Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Goodbye Blogger.

Hello, hello hi.

I signed in after ages today to see I had new followers, and felt unbelievably flattered honestly. Cuz you know, you guys aren't even paindo and stuff but proper blogger people and you're following me even though I haven't updated in ages.

And then I felt really really sad, because my blog's become one of THOSE blogs, the kind that just fizzle out. So this is me ending it, completely. This will be my last post for this blog.

There was a point in time when this blog meant so SO much to me. I was honestly very proud of it. Once my A level Lit teacher asked me to share it with her language students, and told me it was funny. I remember being all scared that she'd read it but also so happy that she'd liked it, seeing as how you know, she was an english teacher.

I love teachers. Specially smart, funny, inspiring teachers. I hope I get lots at university.

Anyway, so yeah. This blog started out as a way for me to vent. Light hearted complaining about life, school, feelings, friends #teenageangst!!!!, that kinda stuff. Haha it was titled 'This Blog Doesn't Have a Name Because The Author isn't Creative Enough to Come Up with One', which I thought was sooooo witty at the time. And I did, I DID come up with it all by myself even googled it to make sure no one else had anything like it, so shut up.

But I don't need to do that anymore. To complain. I need to think now. And articulately express myself. Or express articulately. So I will still blog, but elsewhere. On wordpress because it has a BlackBerry app and it's just so much easier to post there. In fact I'm typing this out on wordpress.

And anonymously. Because it really is better that way.

I've become the kind of person everyone hates because I don't just shut up and nod anymore. I used to a little bit, in order to spare people's feelings but I just don't want to anymore. Maybe I'll become one of those people that sit in a corner by themselves because they're just so so tired of tip toeing around people, thinking of what's the right thing to say and what isn't. What should be censored and what should be said.

I told my khala today that she was a bad teacher, that I hated teachers like her because they treat education like a dhanda, a business, instead of what it really should be. A chance to influence and inspire bright young minds. I'm sure I hurt her feelings, and later my mum told me that there are some opinions I need to keep to myself.

But that's exactly what I'm so tired of doing. Of keeping it bottled up. Of always trying to spare other people's feelings. I don't see why I should, really. You don't care about mine why do you expect me to give your feelings such importance?

I've applied to LUMS. I kept saying last year that I didn't want to go there, but this year I really really do. It's the only Get Out of Jail card I have and I would love to play it right about now. I might not get in, I'm aware of that, but that's okay.

Applying to LUMS turned out to be one if the best things to ever happen to me, because I met one of the bestest, smartest, wittiest, most brilliant people ever because of LCAT prep. Sometimes I think A knows me better than I know myself, and I'm so very grateful for that. For having someone who's always able to talk sense into me. We were talking about deep shizz once and she told me to stop being so hard on myself, to give myself more credit, that she was proud of me and that she'd appreciate it if I would stop with the pity-parade because I had so much to be grateful for.

There were tears.

Pathetic as this sounds, no one's ever told me they were proud of me. I don't mean this in a aww-my-lyf-suxx way, just in a matter of fact way. I'm sure the parents waigera have felt it, maybe, but no one's actually SAID it and it just, meant so much.

I go to Karachi University once a week or so. My dad insists I go more often, but it's just so far away from everything and so inconvenient. I went just to learn Italian pehlay, but I got bored then and so stopped.
I do this thing, whenever I want to judge people, I tell myself that if I had their past and their consciousness I'd behave exactly as they do. It works sometimes, others not so much. But hey I try right? Credit where credit's due.

I dread birthdays now. I still have plenty of time till my next one but I still wish it was further away. Maybe that's what it means to grow up, dread growing older.

If you're very bored and need to be entertained I suggest you read Georgia Nicholson's Diaries. They're hilarious. I've quite literally laughed like a loon on loon tablets in loonville while reading them.

Also also, if you have any idea where I can get sunglasses like these:

Anywhere in Houston or Karachi please please plzz let me know.

Maybe when I get a admishun deschun I'll write one very very final post about it, seeing as how most of last year all my blog was, was about getting into university.

And that is all. This is probably the longest post I've ever written ( I can't tell since I'm typing in out on my phone ;( ) and I can safely say that I've found my lux. Well, almost. It's there, I don't have it, but I can see it now.

Thank you all for being such an important part of my life. I've appreciated your comments, criticism and at times praise more than I've ever expressed.

Thank you for reading this.


Sunday, March 4, 2012


About this time last year, I wondered where I'd be this time this year. I never believed that I wouldn't get to escape, not really. And yet, here I am.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

I haven't been this happy, since before the whole FC thing blew up. Maybe this is what it means to move on? Five years today, really is the end of an era. But this feels good, this feels right, this is how it should be. I just hope the feeling sticks around.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I changed my url, and blog name, and other stuff because it was time. Also people (one person actually, from Mississippi. I'm on to you) finding my blog by searching for 'this blog doesn't have name', every other day was kinnnnnda creepy. Also, you know, since I'm me, exciting since I've always wanted a stalker.

But whatever, lux in tenebris means light in darkness in Latin, which is what I'm looking for these days. A bitta light. And because I like to be pretentious.

Also, because I changed my url I don't think those who're already 'following' me will get any updates. You'll have to un-follow and re-follow. But hey, this way I'll learn how many of you actually bothered to read my crap.

K bai now.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I now know him as the guy who comes to smoke hash on my roof because he feels it's safer here then it is at his place. Less chances of getting caught see.

But he used to be my best friend, years and years ago, before I moved back here, officially. We used to run off and get french fries together, and play hide and seek, and sit on his grandfather's roof and make plans, lots and lots of plans. He used to stick up for me when the other kids made fun of me for wearing shorts, and he used to promise, at the end of every summer that he'd come visit me in America.

I wonder if he remembers that. When I wake up at two am to let him and my brother in, so the parents don't wake up, he lowers his eyes as he walks by, and I always wonder why. Doesn't he want to be friends anymore? Doesn't he want to make more plans? Doesn't he realize that it could be like that again?

But then again, it probably couldn't. It'd never be the same, the wild abandon we once had could never be achieved again. And that's okay. I think. Sometimes maybe, it's just better to let memories be memories.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Hearts in Atlantis taught me that hearts don't break, they only bend. I hope King knew what he was talking about, because right now, it feels as if my heart's broken. Beyond repair. And I suppose I'd feel better knowing it's not, broken that is, it's only bending. And it'll remain bent for as long as I'll stay here.

But it's only bending, not breaking. Not yet anyway.

Friday, September 2, 2011


Okay, so you know I suck at this, 'sentimental stuff'', but I LUFF U ND DIZ IZ 4 U K.

Thanks, for just always being there, listening to me whine and moan about stupid things, thanks for keeping my secrets and being the one person I can go to, to talk about everything and anything, thanks for calling me every single day without fail -for the most part :| -, thanks for the best vacation ever, Winter '10. Thanks for understanding me, and the fucking seriously looks/emoticons, that help me realise what an idiot I'm being, for being honest when it'd be easier to just agree, thanks for HAVING your own opinion ;), can I help it if mine is exactly the same? Thanks for trying to have intelectualz convoz about Chomsky's work with me, it's k, you're all about chicklit, but I still luff you, thanks for the 'but man, you can do so much better's, I can't, but knowing there are people who think so still helps, thanks for insisting they messed up checking my AS Literature exam, instead of telling me I messed up that exam in itself, which is probably what I did. Thanks for laughing at things-certain-people-say/do with me, thanks for helping me not feel like a failure, just thanks, for being such an important part of my life.

You have no idea how fucking upset I was when I found out you'd be moving last year, but it's okay, now, school might have sucked, but we'll be in the same city for university at least, for now anyway. Can't wait to see you again. <3

Happy Nineteenth Bebz, I luff u 5evr AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEEANSSSSS.

P.S I KNOW, that one day we'll go to the Harry Potter theme park and then go on a road trip to Salzburg. Cuz, you know, me = cool enough to have city named after me.